The poison

Wow it's been a while since I've posted here. I've been trying to get a post up but every time I sit and begin thinking my mind draws a blank. It's not that I have nothing to say it's just that there's so many things I want to say and yet I don't know where to start. I can't seem to collect my thoughts and make it coherent so that it will make sense and not just jump around.

It's 7:30am on a Sunday morning and I'm awake sitting down in front of the pc wondering what the heck am I doing up so early in the morning so what better way to fall asleep then bore myself with my ramblings and rantings hahahhaha

Recently things have been going great, AWESOME in fact so much so that I guess I'm in some sort of denial. It's amazing the things I can think of and come up with. It's like everything is perfect at this moment in time and I'm having the time of my life and yet my paranoid self keeps thinking of the what ifs. I'm poisoning and polluting my own mind with thoughts that gets me wondering about nonsense.

Is it so hard for me to accept the good things that are happening to me without expecting the worst ? So many bad things have happened to me that I'm so used to it and now when something good has arrived instead of enjoying and savoring the moment I'm sitting and counting the days as to when it will turn sour. I'm probably ruining things before it even gets a chance to begin hahahahah how smart is that ?

Do you let the past that should have no effect to the current moment in time affect you ? I know it shouldn't matter because what's in the past should be left in the past but you know how sometimes the past has a way of catching up and biting you in the ass ? What if it happens again ? Yes people do change sometimes for the worst but most of the time for the better. So do you give them the benefit of the doubt knowing that the chances of them repeating their mistakes is there but the probability of that happening is very low ?

Does the past define who we are today ? After all if not for the things that has happened in the past we wouldn't be where we are today and we wouldn't be the person we are. What if we erase all the pain, hurt, anger, disappointment from our past would we be any different now ? The decisions that we have made in the past be it the right one or wrong one has thought us to grow and learn from our mistakes. If not for the path we chose in the past we would not have crossed path with some of the people we meet today. By just changing one instant in the past our whole future would be redefined or so I feel anyway.

I always tell myself things happen for a reason but I've grown so accustomed to bad things happening that now when a good thing is happening I don't know how to handle it hahahahahha I'm finding for a reason to justify why it's happening. Can you believe it I'm questioning why there's goodness in my life hahahahah am I not worth it ? Don't I deserve happiness in my life ? Don't I want to be happy ? I've always worked on making other people happy and now when happiness comes knocking on my door I'm afraid to let it in.

What about expecting the worst out of things and just waiting for it to happen so that at least when that happens you would have prepared yourself for it so that it doesn't hurt as much and it's in some sort of funny strange way a way to protect some part of yourself so that you can console yourself by saying "See told you it's going to happen sooner or later, lucky you prepared yourself for it !!"

I lay alone in bed wondering about stuff that sometimes I am able to think about scenarios and ideas that totally makes no sense at all and by doing that I'm just poisoning my mind and my heart. I truly am my own worst enemy and fighting with yourself is really no fun because either way you loose a part of you in the battle be it the good side or bad side.

I always felt that whatever I do is never good enough and that I have to constantly prove to everyone otherwise and honest to god it's kinda tiring. It's tiring trying to compete with non other than myself hahhahaha I am also the harshest critic on earth. I can critisise and doubt everything that I do no matter what I do and no matter how good I do it, I keep telling myself it's not enough and I strive to do even more but how much more is more ? Everyone and everything has a limit but where's mine ? What is mine ?

I feel like I'm drowning and as I reach out to to grasp I get nothing but air. I can see a whole lot of people reaching down trying to save me but I'm looking for your hand. I know it's there among the crowd reaching down trying to pull me out but yet I tell myself it's not there and that you don't bother and you don't care but I know it's not true but yet I'm trying to tell myself otherwise. How's that for poison ?? ahahahhaha

I cry yet I shed no tears
I scream yet there's no sound
I talk but whose listening ?
I am happy yet I am sad
In any other world maybe I might be perfect ...
but for now I am just human
Sorry