Monday, January 28, 2008

the unexpected farewells

I've been thinking about this for the longest time and I'm still not sure what I have to say about it so it's going to be very random.

Death is a funny thing in it's own special way. It's part and parcel of life and yet when it comes to such a sensitive topic we don't talk enough about it. Just like any part of life like birth or a birthday or even marriage we talk about it since young and always look forward to the better things in life and those happy moments.

As a child no one ever talked bout it and when someone passes on it was a solemn event with friends and relatives in tears and having a sudden beautiful memory of the person which forces a smile on your face will certainly raise a few eyebrows from other friends and family members and would be thought as being downright disrespectful.

To a certain extent I was spared this low point in life where you loose someone you love and care about until I hit puberty and then suddenly it hit me like a one tonne anvil and I was overwhelmed with feelings of fear, anger, and hurt. It's so often you hear about someone dying because of something on the news and even papers and that one morning during assembly in school it was announced that one of students was ill and soon after he passed away. Though I knew him by name and we often wished each other a good day as we walked by in school but his reputation precedes him, he was one of the brighter students in school and often did the school proud as he brings glory to the school. At that moment all I can think about is how unfair it was to have someone with such a bright promising future taken away just like that from the people who love him.

After that was just one news after another about people passing away due to gang fights or a motorcycle accident. Being in an all boys school also ensured that the testerones level was always at a high point. It was not until one day where someone I know passed away where for the first time I was thrown into a situation which I was never prepared for and I didn't know how to react in such a situation. I pushed those feelings and fears aside and moved on with my life praying that he's in a better place.

As you get older and the male pride gets larger and the courage to do anything gets bolder, you get even more bad news of people around you getting involved in accidents and not making it out alive.

One incident that left a very large scar and to some point increased my sense of paranoia that until today still haunts me was one that involved a friend and his girlfriend. We were having drinks after work at a coffee stall near office. As we sat down sipping our tea or coffee's he came out the car and was just loitering around nearby as he was on the phone screaming and shouting probably having an argument of some sort we reckoned. So we continued on with our talking ignoring him when we suddenly realised that it was quiet and there was no more shouting or screaming and as we turned our heads to look for him all we found was this guy with the phone on his ear shaking and trembling with a look of confusion on his face that seems to look paler than usual.

We made our way to him and asked him what's wrong and he did not respond for what seemed like forever and as he spoke in a voice that was full of fear all we could hear were incoherent words as he tried to tell us that he thinks his gf might have been involved in an accident. We tried to get as much info as possible and rushed looking for her which was luckily not too far from where we were. By the time we got there there were already a group of people gathered and as we pushed our way through the crowed I saw something that just sent goosebumps all over my body.

We tried to calm him down before he reaches the car but he managed to break loose and see for himself the damage to the car. The fire department was already on the way along with the ambulance. Being a car enthusiast and seeing many accidents some of us can already judge the condition she was in by the damage done to the car. It was a direct hit to the driver door against a tree. My friend was practically on his knees and couldn't do anything but sit there and cry and say sorry.

The rest of us tried to see if we could get her out but it was pretty obvious that she was trapped in the car and it involves some major removing of car parts before anyone could get her out. As we waited for the ambulance and fire department to get there all we could do is try comforting her and him and as she went in and out of consciousness. She practically almost died in front of our eyes and by the time the fire department got there and got her out almost 1/2 hour or more has passed. She passed away on the way to the hospital.

He was a wreck after that incident and in some way or another it changed each and everyone of us and somehow after that incident we drifted apart as it was something that would haunt each one of us till the day we die. Ever since then I sometimes call people or msg them when they are driving late at night or alone cause I can't forget that image that still lingers around from that day. More often than not people think I'm weird and little bit psycho when I demand that they msg me when they get back hahaahahah I guess certain situations made me the way I am now.

The thought of death has always lingered around in my mind and being through so many of it has left an impact to the way I see the world and life and even death. When my dad was admitted in the hospital for cancer it was one of the lowest moments in my life. There were times were it was all too much to handle and I wanted to talk to someone who understood what I was going through but all I got was life goes on, be strong for now you might be the man of the house, don't be unhappy or sad as the rest of the family members need you to be strong for they need your help, death is part and parcel of life bla bla bla yada yada yada. All I wanted to hear was someone saying that they know how I feel and let me break down emotionally and accept the fact that it might be the last time I might see my dad. Instead I was forced to become this person who kept his feelings all in and be the example I needed to be. People often say they know how it feels like to be in your shoes but in a situation like this unless you've actually been through it personally you can never understand how it feels like, the fear of loosing the person that is dear to you, the strong dependable person who was like a role model to you is now helplessly lying in bed looking so weak and helpless. Thank god all that prayers helped and he was cured after going through chemo.

The thought of loosing someone I love and care left a bigger impact and thought me to appreciate life and I began to care about the happiness of people around me more than my own to the point that I became so good at hiding my true feelings and unhappiness that everyone thought I have a wonderful lovely life without worry or problems, if they only knew about the skeletons that were already overflowing the closet hahahahaha

With the loss of my grandmother last year it just made me think even more about death and what happens to the people who were left behind when the person they love finally met their maker. Once again I had to be the strong one holding back my feelings as we gave her a proper farewell. It lasted a few days and when the day came to finally say farewell to her I tried my best to hold it all in but as I carried her coffin over my shoulders together with my dad and uncles towards the vehicle that will bring her to the crematorium the tears just kept flowing and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Once at the crematorium we did a final prayer and as we took turns to say our final goodbyes only did I realise that I don't have a grandparent anymore and she's the only one that I have ever known growing up. By then it was too late to do any damage control and the floodgates broke loose and I was weeping and wailing like a newborn. Only then did it hit me that from now onwards there will just be photographs of her and the memories of her in my mind and heart. As the doors to the crematorium thingy closed and as the flames engulf her coffin my heart ached like it's never ever ached before and it was the last time I would ever see her face to face again.

In that few weeks and months after that I lost 3 or 4 relatives in total and an uncle that I never even knew existed or at least have heard of him like rarely. He was my mother's brother and he sort of disappeared a few years back. He was found one week later after his death and it took another week for the police to find his relatives and the only one around was my mother.

When I got to know the news all the ceremony was already over and done with. I was so stunned and shocked that I didn't know what to do or who to talk to and the only thing I knew to do was to push all those feeling aside and go out for a few rounds of drinks. As confused and angry and hurt I was, I was glad that there was someone who was so shocked when I told the news and was so concern about me and just that little gesture was more than I needed to know that things will be better and finally someone who understands what it is like to loose a family member even though I barely knew him. It was the first time I felt comfortable sharing bad news to someone who I knew wouldn't judge me and just sit together with me in silence and at the same time try to cheer me up.

I had to help my parents that weekend by going to his place to pack up some of the stuff and move them. As we cleaned and pack up the place I kept wondering to myself what happened to him and how did he end staying alone and only being found dead one week after. I took up the courage to ask my parents and as I learnt more about him I didn't know if I should be angry or should I be scared cause I could somehow understand his reason for doing so. He has a wive and few kids who are already grown up and working. He left home few years back and moved from Muar to KL, what I gathered was he was ill and had only a limited time to live.

He sold whatever he could back home and gave the money to the family member before disappearing for good out of their lives. Nobody knew why he left or where he went. The conclusion I came up with was he didn't want the people around him to see him suffer or to put a burden on them as he slowly waited for death and worst still is to have them take care of him as he's body got more sick. He argued with everyone and made everyone angry before leaving home in hopes that their anger will not make them want to find him and I guess he succeeded because no one obviously knew where he was and even in his dying minutes and seconds he went through it alone.

The scary part was that somehow I understood how he felt and why he did what he did. He accepted his fate and was finding peace on his own before he is once again reunited with his maker. He left the people he love and forced them to accept him as good as dead before he actually even was. The even scarier part that really got me thinking is that for all his time in KL his whole life was summed up in 2 or 3 boxes. That's the only memory and possession he left behind and nobody ever knew what he went through all those years and the amount of pain and misery he must have gone through. As selfish as he was for taking matters into his own hands without even discussing it with his family, he did what he thought was the best for his family.

Another incident that I never quite understood is how a person would be willing to take his own life. It was a friend who I was rather close with and as both of us struggle through life we would often meet up and joke about what a bitch life was and how sometimes it feels like it would easier to just put an end to it once and for all be able to remove the weight of the world from our shoulders. Little did I know those times he was talking about it he was actually serious and was thinking of it.

I met up with him that night and had a few drinks and he was rather quiet compared to normal days so I asked him how things were and if there was anything I could help with. He just smiled at me and told me that some things could never be explained by words and that you have to go through it yourself to truly understand. I thought nothing of it as he continued babbling about how he was so grateful for having people who genuinely cared about him around and all I could say to him was to stop thinking nonsense and go get some rest as he looked weary and tomorrow will be a start of a brand new day with a brand new hope. I was exhausted from work and didn't think further and got home and fell asleep on my bed only waking up to find a few missed calls and a message that said thank you from him. To only find out later in the day that he got involved in a car crash and never made it out alive.

I never quite recovered from that incident and nowdays I always ensure that the phone is just beside me in bed and making sure that ringer is at it's maximum volume. Ever since that any time the phone rang at odd hours my heart will just skip a beat as I answer the phone hoping and praying it was not bad news. It came to a point that even if my phone was on vibrate and was across my bedroom I could still hear it while I was sleeping and would rush out of bed to get it. Unless I'm so tired and haven't slept properly for days. Nowadays I'm a light sleeper and often lay awake after hearing the slightly noise in my bedroom.

After so many years I finally sort of understand what he meant that nobody would understand what he was going through and no matter how he tried to explain it, people would think that he was crazy or even stupid for doing what he did. Somehow I understand what he was going through and as much as he wanted to reach out for help he didn't want people to think of him as a weak person who had mental issues. I always thought that no matter how bad the situation is or how low you get in life there's always a chance and hope but what if the very hope you were holding on to was taken away from you. Just like a lighter providing the flickering light in a dark cavern, it was never enough to light up the room but just enought to give you a glimpse of the immediate surrounding.

If even that little flicker of light was taken away there's nothing left except darkness and emptiness and to some I guess it's as good as not making the effort to make it through the night. Being the last person to see him or talk to him made things ever worst as people wanted to know what he said or if I knew about his issues. I wished I listened more closely and paid more attention to the signs of him trying his best to grab on to something or someone or anyone who cared to help him back into the light and all I had to give him was by telling him not to think about nonsense. I never quite really forgave myself and still carry the burden and guilt and though I know no matter what I do I will never make up for what happened in the past and just hope and pray that he finally found his way back to the light and is now being well taken care of.

Ever since that death has always been burning in my mind and thoughts. Seeing how taboo the word was, it was not something that can be just brought up during a cup of coffee. It involves a lot of emotions and feelings and some might even get offended by it or just run the other direction with even the mention of it. If we can plan and prepare for the better things in life then would it be weird if I was to say that death is something we should plan for also ? I mean not to the extend of choosing the date and time of your death or even how to die or god forbid to the extend of taking your own life.

The planning I was talking about was getting your business in order as in your financial issues, where you have money and how much money you owe the banks and what insurances you have etc etc, getting your epf in order and making sure to have named the beneficiaries so that there would be less hassle for the people who are still around and still have their own life to get on with.

I've been thinking about it for a while and have even thought about getting a will done. Not like I have millions of dollars hidden away somewhere but I just want to make if anything were to happen to me my parents will not have to suffer financially for the mistakes I might have done.

Death often leaves the people who cared about us lost and sad and angry and some even to the point of denial as they have trouble accepting the sudden loss. I want to say my final words before I take my last breath and not knowing when anybody's time is up I have decided to do something about it by leaving behind a part of me for the people I care about and love and tell them about the beauty of life and how beautiful mine was despite all the curve balls that were thrown my way.

I often have dreams about my death and most of the time it was from a 3rd person's perspective. I have no idea who is there or how many people are there but one thing for sure I could see the image of me looking at myself clearly. I've been jotting down my ideas and thoughts and life's journey and the path I have taken and how I ended up where I am and being the person I am today. Sort of a memoir of sort ??? Something that might help shed some light as to why I did some of the things I did in my past.

One thing for sure I want my wake to be filled with laughter and joy and non stop bubblies flowing as my friends talk about the happy times they had with me and what a joker I was hahahahah there shall be no tears as I want to see my friends and the people I care about fill with laughter and joy even on the day of my wake. The only tears I will stand for is the tears of joy as you remember the happy times we had. I will always be grateful for having had some of my friends who have stood by me through thick and thin and always believing in me and accepting me for the person I am, an emotional being with feelings who breaks down once in a while, a person who has needs and wants and craves for attention as any other normal person and sometimes can be moody and demanding but gives with all my heart. Thank you for accepting me completely with all my flaws and imperfection but that's what makes me unique right ?!?!? :P ahahahahah and non of that sad sappy songs that makes people wanna feel like crying. Play something lively that will make me boogey as I make my way to heaven ... hmmm on second thoughts there might be a place reserved for me down under in the fiery pits of hell already hahahahahhhaah

Whenever I say a prayer it has always been for the health and happiness of my friends and the people I care about. I pray to god that everyone be blessed with long life and don't need to go through the pain and suffering of loosing a loved one and even if they had to go through it, there's someone there to catch them when they fall and need guidance back into life. I wouldn't wish some of the things I've gone through to even my worst enemy as it's a torture that I want him to be spared from. Death is indeed part and parcel of life and some of us never get the chance to say proper goodbyes to the people we love before they are suddenly taken away from us.

I'm taking things into my own hands and am preparing myself as much as possible to ease the suffering of my loved ones if one day my maker says that my time has finally arrived. My words and thoughts would forever be immortalised in paper or hmmm in this sense a word document ?!?!? hahahahaha In any other world I might be perfect but for now I am just human with all the imperfections of a mortal. When the days come for me to leave my vessel and continue on with my journey I hope and wish that I have made some difference in the lives of the people around me and in someway or another I made even the most horrible day sound like an adventure and a journey that holds many possibilites. All that I ask from my friends and family is to speak of happy thoughts of me and tell the world of the bubbly cheerful person whose laughter could be heard a mile away. Tell them of the person who went through hell and back only to laugh out loud and ask the gatekeepers of hell if that's the best they can do to break my spirit down. Tell them all that you can remember about me because sometimes I myself forget who I am.

The astrologer

It's been a really rough start to the new year and I guess with everything I was going through people around me could see and feel the difference. Gone was the cheerful person who used to grin from ear to ear for no apparent reason, the person who would suddenly just smile out of the blue, the person who radiated joy without even the words. Now all that's left is a gloomy confused person who is trying to take in all that's happening and all that has happened and dealing with thoughts that has been buried deep inside and left untouched for a reason.

My parents obviously saw the difference and without me knowing went to see a fortune reader/astrologer too see what my future holds. It's funny how sometimes you have this funny feeling in your gut that's something bad is about to happen but not too sure what it is or when it might happen or it might even just be gas causing the unsettling feeling.

With the recent incident of being in a hospital praying for the recovery of a friends dad and a few days later finding out another friends dad passed away got my brains working more than what it's suppose to. One day out of nowhere my parents asked me to go for dinner and I agreed but little did I know that they were already scheming something behind my back.

So they told me about their little trip to the astrologer at the temple and told me briefly about what he said. Apparently I've been going through a lot of hardship the past 3 years and was suffering in silence, keeping it all in but things have/are starting to get better for me and I just need a little patience. Yeah like I haven't been patient enough all this while.

What really got me startled is how the astrologer said things about me that hit a spot without even me being there. He said that I should learn to control my temper more and not keep everything bottled in as it just makes me feel worst. I should learn to be patient and not think that the whole world is against me especially when things don't go as I wanted it to or planned it to be. He said that I have a kind heart and often get mistreated as I easily trust people though not a 100% I still dare to put myself on the line time and time again to help people I care about and am often misunderstood by a lot people for the things I do even by the people I care the most.

He said that someone out there is keeping count of all the things I have done and one day surely I will get what I deserve and just because life has been dragging me through shit the past few years does not mean that I should change who I am and what I believe in and shut the world out so I can be selfish and mean and cold and not bother about anyone else other than myself. Being another asshole will not make me happier and instead just hurt me more cause I'm not being truthful to my ownself.

All this really hit a spot and it was difficult not to show that what my parents were saying was so true and I tried my best to keep quiet and not look them in the eyes and just stared at the plate in front of me keeping my head low hoping and praying the floodgates don't open.

He even mentioned that I should be careful the next few months cause I'm in for some more shit and something might happen to me if I'm not careful especially while driving and as my parents said this I could hear the fear and concern in my parents voice. This caused a trigger of thoughts and feelings that has been burried deep inside and forgotten for a reason.

Apart from that there's the normal love life thingy which apparently is also not so good because if I continue listening to my heart instead of my brain I will not have a happy life hahahahahah and my parents are starting to put the pressure and even used the "we don't have much longer to live and would like to finish our last duty as parents and get you married". This was the last straw and I practically lost my head as I want to be the one to decide my own path in life and would like to share my life with someone who I can grow old with, which I honestly thought was something that I manage to find but within a blink of an eye it was like waking up from a beautiful dream and everything that happened was just in my imagination and wasn't real but then I know it actually was real there's and in a little safe corner those memories are stored ready to be recalled when on of those rainy cloudy days seem too hard to handle and having those memories stored and recalled will always bring a smile to my face. I don't know what's their rush to get me hitched and I know they have good intentions but at this current moment in time it's something that's not even on my list of things to do.

I don't know the way or proper words to explain to my parents or even to people around me about it and the way I feel currently about letting someone else into my life, I wouldn't be a 100% committed and would still have feelings for some other person and to me it's like I'm cheating on my own self and on top of that hurting someone else in the process. Simply put my heart yearns and longs for someone that doesn't even know or bother about my existence anymore. Okay I'm starting to stray away from the initial reason of this post hahaha

They even said that I should stop using "no money" as an excuse and said they will pay for the wedding and if need be chip in to buy a new house so I can start thinking about my own future and starting off with a family of my own. Now personally I do not see it in the distant future and the hope and a dream that was once so vivid, a want to spend a lifetime with that one person is now faded and drained out of it's color and what is left is in such a blur that I can't even see myself in that picture anymore.

Financially it's suppose to be a good year for me and so far it's been not too bad. I've manage to gather some extra cash and even paid off my school fees so that takes off some stress. The plans I put in motion few months back are finally paying off and I've manage to reduce some of my bills and payments which gives me a little more space to breathe and though the main reason the plan was even set in motion was actually as a surprise and I was planning to go for a holiday at the end of the month in a beautiful place where little Frodo was reported to be last seen and I've often wanted to go but no solid reason to actually do it. I was presented with a chance to spend it with people that mattered and was really looking forward to it but I guess sometimes even the best thought plan has a chance of failing and blowing up in the face.

Other than that the night was finished in silence and my parents just asked me to think about it as ultimately the decision still lies in my hand and I too understand that as parents they just want the best for me. I just want to be sure of what I want and need first before I even think about the future and what my next step would be to achieve that future.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

It's been crazy

It's been so long since I could spare some moment to sit down and pen down a few words. After my last post which was about the dog incident things have not been any better. Was overloaded with work and worked late on Friday night and had to come back to work again on Saturday which really sucked. I was so glad I didn't have any plans on Sunday as I just wanted to laze around at home and getting some rest of my mind and body.

So that's what I did, that is until I got an unexpected phone call from a friend I haven't heard in such a long time. The last I met him was at his wedding and now after few months later after not hearing much from him I get a phone call saying his dad just passed away on Saturday and they were having the ceremony today before cremating on Tuesday.

Rushed over tired and exhausted and shocked as it's only the beginning of the year and so far it's been not too good in fact it's been a tragedy one after another and it's really really tiring emotionally. Though not directly involving me but it still somehow still has an effect and apart from that from personal experiences it just brings back memories making it more difficult.

Plus work the past 2 weeks has been crazy with KPI's and PMF's and survey results that needs to be compiled and analyzed plus kicking off a few project at the beginning of the year and closing last year projects. OMG it's just been one hectic blur week going back after almost 12-13 hours daily in the office leaving enough time to go home get a shower make a drink and doze off to bed while listening to some music.

Have so many thoughts going on in my mind and with no avenue to release some steam makes it all pile up and keeping me constantly agitated and irritated. If not for the rare occasions of hanging out with a few friends to release some pressure would certainly have ended up killing or shouting at someone or anyone hahahahahah

Thursday, January 03, 2008

First day to work

After such a tiring night woke up going to work feeling exhausted and zombified which is definitely not such a good idea. Got into work and had an eerie creepy feeling as the whole office was quite and not many people were around as most were still away enjoying their long break.

There was little or no conversation at all especially from me and only answered when I absolutely had to. What a busy day coming back to work with loads of works that needs to be done. Left office on time cause was way to tired to stay any earlier.

On the way back from the office just a few cars in front of me I saw a group of dogs crossing the road and within a blink of an eye one of them was hit by a taxi mpv. My heart just skipped a beat and I immediately slowed down as I passed the poor dog lying in the middle of the road. Watching through my rear view mirror I saw the poor animal getting up and limping around and just collapsed at the same spot. Usually I would have continued on my way but for some weird reason I stopped because I hoped there was some way the dog was only slightly injured.

The taxi guy who knocked the dog also stopped by the road but I think he stopped because his bumper was almost falling and had to assess the damage. I rushed to the dog and every step I took closer my heart started beating faster. I wasn't thinking what I was going to do when I got there but I just had to know if the dog was still breathing or not. The taxi guy also followed closely behind me. The first thing going through my mind was if the poor animal is still breathing the taxi guy better take it to the vet or something or else I was ready to make sure he does so be it voluntary or forced by me. I was actually rolling up my sleeves as I walked nearer to the dog.

I stopped near the animal in fear the poor animal might be in shock and might just snap in fear at anyone nearby. As I got closer I noticed a pool of blood around the head with it's tongue hanging out. It was really a very heartbreaking moment and without thinking I immediately stood further in front of the dog directing traffic to the other lanes as the taxi guy dragged the dog to the side of the road and with a heavy heart walked back to the car.

As I drove back home my hands were still trembling with fear. Only then did my brain start working and I realised what actually has happened. It was as though I was on auto pilot and did things without even thinking of the risk that I was putting myself through. I realised that I had put myself in between oncoming traffic and a dog. I realised that I hadn't even thought of what I would do or should do if the dog was actually breathing but couldn't move. It was a frightening thought and somehow just sent a shiver down my spine.

It's just one of those things that you will never know what to actually do until you're in a situation like that. What a lovely way to spend the first day going back to work hahahahahah

How not to spend the 2nd day of new year !!!

After spending so many days in the hospital and being so exhausted all I wanted to do was go home and get some much needed rest but then again someone had other plans for me. I left the hospital slightly moody and drove home expecting to reach around 9pm the latest to get some rest before going back to work next next day.

Then out of no where shit happened and the car slowly rolled to a stop at the side of the highway. Tried cranking and no response so only a few things could have gone wrong and called my mech as well as a few friends to get advice and solutions. After much troubleshooting it was narrowed down to the alternator not charging the battery. So the only option left is to get the car towed. Tried calling a few tow trucks and most of them are charging crazy mad prices and at last manage to find one that was priced ok and had a flatbed carrier.

Sat around the car bitching and whining at my incredible luck and at that moment I looked up in the sky and laughed out loud and said is that all you got ?!?!?!? and few minutes later is started drizzling hahahahahah ask and you shall receive and apparently at that exact moment he was in a mood to listen and gave me what I wanted .... so I sat in the car while waiting for the tow truck guy to arrive pondering upon my lovely new year and all the excitement it held for me.

Managed to get the car back to the workshop at almost 1am and I was freaking tired and blur and paid him and left my mech as soon as possible falling to sleep at only around 2am or 3am needing to wake up at 7am the next day to go to work.

It's been a rough few days and one would think that things couldn't get any worst and things happen that goes to show that even when you're deep in shit it can get deeper in a blink of an eye.

Some good news ?? yes no ?!?!?

Sometimes it's amazing how someone can be so cruel and heartless all at the same time without even a look of guilt on their face or remorse or compassion. When someone who has been lying unconscious on the bed for the 3 days on on the fourth day there was some response and he was trying to open his eyes and there was movement in the hand you would think it's good right ?

Anyone who has gone through 3 straight days watching a person you care about suddenly have some response it would have been one of the best moments in your life. As though your prayers had been answered and things are going to be better and then out of nowhere comes this moron dressed in white and with his high and mighty voice say that it's a good sign but because of the amount of stress the body has been through things might just deteriorate and things might get worst. Talk about being a wet blanket. The idiot doctor practically pulled the one thing that you were holding on to which was hope, picks it up, throws in on the floor and does a little dance routine while laughing a evil laughter that can be heard from all the floors.

Well at least that's how it felt for me. Aren't doctors suppose to be optimistic and give patients hope so that no matter how bad the situation is the patient will feel the need to get better or have a strong will to help the body get stronger ? Aren't doctors nowadays thought compassion or empathy or is it because of all the people dying daily around them and someone lying in the bed is just another someone, just a person referenced by his ward and bed number ?

Is it a doctors duty and obligation not to become attached to their patient so that they can go to sleep peacefully at night knowing that as a doctor they have done all that they can ? Remove the white coat and what do you get ? Just another human being that is suppose to have feelings and compassion and empathy ? Is this called professionalism where you draw the line between work and feelings and not let feelings get in the way ? What makes a good doctor ? Someone who has the best certificate from the best university and along with that a heart of stone ? or someone who isn't such a brainiac but knows what he/she is doing and on top of that knows to show compassion and empathy ?

It's just so freaking arrrrghhhhhhhhhh .. no words to describe how it feels like. Suddenly such happy moments doesn't seem to be happy anymore. Just an update he has opened his eyes a few times and there's some movement in his hand and fingers which I would take as a positive sign on the other note his eyes are so yellow and his skin and face also are having a slight shade of yellow which obviously doesn't seem to be a good sign but I'm still hoping and praying. Suddenly the reality of not sleeping properly since Sunday and having 4-5 hours of light sleep daily is taking it's toll.

Time doesn't seem to make any sense anymore as the only difference you can feel or know that time is actually moving is by looking up the sky and suddenly it's dark or suddenly it's bright. It's as though time stood still and lost its meaning as I try to make sense of all that's happening and what might happen if things get better or god forbid even worst. As much as I hope for the best the possibility of something going bad is just as real.

What pissed me off even more was when people come to visit and because they are happy to hear that he has some response so everyone wants to take turn calling his name and sees if he wakes up. Like hello !!!!!! Is this some kind of circus act or you just want to know that he recognizes your voice when you call his name ? Hasn't the poor man suffered enough, shouldn't he be getting a rest ? You have seen it with your own eyes that he responses when his name is called. Does it give you satisfaction by queuing up like the rest and seeing if you can get the same reaction ?!?!?!? Sometimes just felt like slapping them you know ...

Anyway it was time to get back to work after missing work for two days and told him to get better as everyone is eagerly waiting to see him on his feet again with his quirky and weird sense of humor. I said my goodbyes and walked out of the hospital heading back into life and reality.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

New year pt 2

When someone is in the hospital from what I've noticed there will be a few sort of characters. One is the emotional type that cries most of the time. One will the silent type who holds the emotions in and tries to accept things and make the best of situation and more often that not there's the one whose in denial, who is angry with everything the one who doesn't want to accept the reality of the situation.

When my dad was in the hospital I belonged to the third one. So angry with everybody and everything and for what's happening to him. This time around I find myself in between all 3 characters hahahah. I tried my best to hold my tears and to let the other family members to be upset and cry their lungs out, I mean it's normal to see a family member be sad when their loved one is in bed so helpless. Then this big old Australian dude came over to visit and the first thing he did was immediately sit beside him and took his hand and started talking to him. As he talked you could hear his quavering voice as he tried to make proper sentences without breaking down and that's when I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. Here is an adult who is sad because someone close to him, someone he cares about is lying there in bed unconscious. From the way he gently spoke to him while holding a hand talking as though all the words he says will help make a difference. The words he spoke had me mesmerised and the love radiating from his words were so strong that I had to excuse myself while I rushed out trying to hold it all in and not burst out crying.

At times I was so angry with the people around him. When the poor man was alive no one bothered to care and yet now everyone seems to understand the situation and the pain he's going through. I still remember the nights where he would call me out for dinner while we talked about stuff. One of the things that often bugged him was how he was often was taken for granted by the people around him.

He was the kind of man with a heart of gold. He often helped people whenever they needed help and more often than not he expects his kindness not to be repaid. I often asked him what's the point of helping people who don't deserve it ? Why help someone who couldn't even be bothered about helping himself and all he could answer is that in live we need to learn to give and expect little or nothing in return.

I guess in some funny kind of way I always respected him for his thoughts and the way he views life. I've witnessed more than once where someone who is need of financial assitance comes to him for help and more often than not he will help and at the end of the day when the person who needed help manages to settle his issues and get back into the society doing better than before never even bother replying phone calls or making the effort to paying back the little sum that he has borrowed. Not only that but he was practically swindled by his partner and sold of his practise because of that. Despite all that he still believed that everyone deserves a second chance and sometimes people get lost along the way.

Though we have never talked about emotional stuff but we talked almost about everything else. He was well to do and cared and provided his family to the best of his ability and being the only person working in the family sometimes I wonder how he manages it all. More often than not whenever his children needed money and even though he doesn't have that kind of money he will try his best to get it done. He once told me that things weren't always so easy and there were days when getting even one meal a day was a miracle but he has worked hard and has his own company and is doing okay. He's always been my role model and there's so many times I look up to him for advice and career and my future.

He helped me open my eyes and not only focus on my job and my industry. He got me thinking about economy and global economy. Even though I have a stable job he often told me to not live in my shell and see what real businessmen are facing when the economic is not good. In more ways than one he has inspired me to work hard and to chase my dreams and I guess in a strange way I reminded him of himself when he was young and struggling all alone in the working world.

He would often ask me about my plans for the future and how things are at home with my family and how I'm doing financially. Though more often that not I would tell him the truth except my financial status because I felt it was not fair to let him know how difficult life is with so much burden and commitments but he had his ways of getting an answer and he always helped out in any way he can whenever possible. This was a man that did not question my decisions but at the same time made me think of alternatives and why not choose B instead of A.

This was a man who believed in me when even I didn't believe in myself. This was a man who offered to start a business/partnership with me and provide all financial and management expertise while I took care of the technical side of things. As much as I wanted to say yes I finally said no because I felt that it was way too soon for me to venture into a business on my own but yet over time he kept saying that the offer still stands. This was a man who often asked me why have I not pursued my masters cause I told him about it many times and I told him was because of the commitment I currently had with work which was mostly bullshit cause it always boiled down to being financially obligated to something else and studies didn't seem to matter that much. He was willing to pay for my fees upfront and asked me to pay when I could, in his own words was payable when able. I once again refused because I just couldn't do it.

One day I guess I stepped over the line when I told him that he's pampering his family too much and even though his son was the same age as me he doesn't respect the father much and hasn't worked a single day of his life because daddy was always there to provide and support. I told him that even though his son was more daring to take up challenges but he would never appreciate the meaning of hard work and how much of hard work it takes just to earn a living to survive in this world. I guess as a father or parent to hear that from a stranger was a bit too much too handle.

From what I know this man has been helping people throughout his life and always was optimistic about life but seeing him like this just breaks my heart. The last thing I want for the poor man was to suffer like this and after all that he's been through and that he's done I'm so angry for the way he has ended up. With no chance to speak his mind and to leave some last few words. He's just lying there fighting just to make it through the night. I often sit and ask god if this is the ending for a kind hearted soul then what's the point ? What's the point of going out of your way to help the people around you when at the end of the day you end up like this ? I have often wondered about death and if there's life after death and when someone is in a coma are they like in a waiting lounge somewhere near heaven where it is decided if it's their time to join the angels or they are going to the fiery pits of hell or it's not their time yet and they are given a second chance to enjoy life again and miracously wake up even though doctors said there was no hope.

Now as I sit here seeing him just lying there helpless I can't help but feel angry. Here's his family members concerned and worried and crying for him but in my head all I could think about was the misery they put him through and how he practically worked himself to death to provide for the needs of his family. I just felt like slapping each one of them and tell them what they had done to him. From the strong willed person that he was to this weak person who currently is unconcscious but of course who am I to butt in like that and speak my piece of mind. I had come to see him and talk to him and thank him for believing in me and to tell him that I've started my masters and though it's not been an easy road I'm almost half way through and that would have made him happy and proud. I've told him about my 2007 and all that I've went through from being alone and sad to being a person who could face any challenge head on and being on top of the world to being a person who is almost on the verge of giving up.

Tomorrow would be the 4th day he's in the coma and all anyone can really do now is pray and hope.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy New Year ?!?!?!!?

It's been a while since I've updated this blog and I think I owed it to myself to at least put a final post here to recap the wonderful year I've been through in 2007. I've been wanting to do this for a very long time but because of recent developments my recap has to wait while I pen down what has been happening the past 72 hours.

I've never liked new year that much because it's just another day with a brand new calendar. The new year doesn't automatically change who you are overnight nor does it change anything that has happened so far.

It's was a Sunday afternoon when I got the call saying that someone close to me is in the hospital. My heart just skipped a beat. This man although is not blood related to me but he has been a big influence in my life and has guided me through difficult times is now lying unconcious in a hospital. He went to sleep as usual on Saturday night after dinner and watching the tv and the next morning never awoke.

I knew about his cancer about 1 or 2 years ago and although the doctor at that time said operation was out of the question I assumed with all the treatment and medication he was getting it would at least control his sickness. Never was I prepared for such a shocking news towards end of year especially with 3-4 deaths happening around my family members this year. This was definitely the last news I would expect to get especially with the New Year day looming so close.

I did as much as I could before leaving the house to rush to the hospital. Booked a flight ticket for his wife who is currently overseas. Did some research on the net as to how serious his condition was and then rushed immediately to the hospital on Sunday afternoon. I was a wreck and although this person was not a family member but he treated me like a son. I tried calling some friends to share the bad news with them and as I spoke I just broke down. The memory of my dad in the hospital few years back. The memory of my grandmother in a coma few months back. The pain and hurt came gushing all in at once and it was overwhelming.

To those who had to put up with my whining and sobbing thank you for sharing your ears. Though death is part and parcel of life and something that we have to deal with sooner or later but this man meant a lot to me and I can't possible be crying while I'm in the hospital right ? So I had to let it all go before I got there.

What's more dissapointing is when you try to call that someone that might understand what's going on or at least have a faint idea and you can't get hold of them and after numerous text messages and phone calls there is still no reply. What hurts is knowing that it could have been a family member or even myself lying in the bed and the possibility of me just leaving the world without anyone knowing was so real and so painful that it just sent shivers down my spine. Goes to show how fragile life really is and how every passing minute could be your last.

Was in the hospital until almost midnight on Sunday and went back in on Monday morning where I spent another 10 hours or so and will be heading there again now. Spending new years in the hospital beside an unconscious man was definitely not something I think I would be doing but I'm happy I got the chanee to at least spend time with him and talk to him and tell him how much he has influenced me.

Gotta go just got a call saying his breathing is erratic. sigh. Quick update the doctors asked to prepare for the worst as his condition might be deteriorating. I'm very tired and going to get a quick nap.