Wednesday, January 02, 2008

New year pt 2

When someone is in the hospital from what I've noticed there will be a few sort of characters. One is the emotional type that cries most of the time. One will the silent type who holds the emotions in and tries to accept things and make the best of situation and more often that not there's the one whose in denial, who is angry with everything the one who doesn't want to accept the reality of the situation.

When my dad was in the hospital I belonged to the third one. So angry with everybody and everything and for what's happening to him. This time around I find myself in between all 3 characters hahahah. I tried my best to hold my tears and to let the other family members to be upset and cry their lungs out, I mean it's normal to see a family member be sad when their loved one is in bed so helpless. Then this big old Australian dude came over to visit and the first thing he did was immediately sit beside him and took his hand and started talking to him. As he talked you could hear his quavering voice as he tried to make proper sentences without breaking down and that's when I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. Here is an adult who is sad because someone close to him, someone he cares about is lying there in bed unconscious. From the way he gently spoke to him while holding a hand talking as though all the words he says will help make a difference. The words he spoke had me mesmerised and the love radiating from his words were so strong that I had to excuse myself while I rushed out trying to hold it all in and not burst out crying.

At times I was so angry with the people around him. When the poor man was alive no one bothered to care and yet now everyone seems to understand the situation and the pain he's going through. I still remember the nights where he would call me out for dinner while we talked about stuff. One of the things that often bugged him was how he was often was taken for granted by the people around him.

He was the kind of man with a heart of gold. He often helped people whenever they needed help and more often than not he expects his kindness not to be repaid. I often asked him what's the point of helping people who don't deserve it ? Why help someone who couldn't even be bothered about helping himself and all he could answer is that in live we need to learn to give and expect little or nothing in return.

I guess in some funny kind of way I always respected him for his thoughts and the way he views life. I've witnessed more than once where someone who is need of financial assitance comes to him for help and more often than not he will help and at the end of the day when the person who needed help manages to settle his issues and get back into the society doing better than before never even bother replying phone calls or making the effort to paying back the little sum that he has borrowed. Not only that but he was practically swindled by his partner and sold of his practise because of that. Despite all that he still believed that everyone deserves a second chance and sometimes people get lost along the way.

Though we have never talked about emotional stuff but we talked almost about everything else. He was well to do and cared and provided his family to the best of his ability and being the only person working in the family sometimes I wonder how he manages it all. More often than not whenever his children needed money and even though he doesn't have that kind of money he will try his best to get it done. He once told me that things weren't always so easy and there were days when getting even one meal a day was a miracle but he has worked hard and has his own company and is doing okay. He's always been my role model and there's so many times I look up to him for advice and career and my future.

He helped me open my eyes and not only focus on my job and my industry. He got me thinking about economy and global economy. Even though I have a stable job he often told me to not live in my shell and see what real businessmen are facing when the economic is not good. In more ways than one he has inspired me to work hard and to chase my dreams and I guess in a strange way I reminded him of himself when he was young and struggling all alone in the working world.

He would often ask me about my plans for the future and how things are at home with my family and how I'm doing financially. Though more often that not I would tell him the truth except my financial status because I felt it was not fair to let him know how difficult life is with so much burden and commitments but he had his ways of getting an answer and he always helped out in any way he can whenever possible. This was a man that did not question my decisions but at the same time made me think of alternatives and why not choose B instead of A.

This was a man who believed in me when even I didn't believe in myself. This was a man who offered to start a business/partnership with me and provide all financial and management expertise while I took care of the technical side of things. As much as I wanted to say yes I finally said no because I felt that it was way too soon for me to venture into a business on my own but yet over time he kept saying that the offer still stands. This was a man who often asked me why have I not pursued my masters cause I told him about it many times and I told him was because of the commitment I currently had with work which was mostly bullshit cause it always boiled down to being financially obligated to something else and studies didn't seem to matter that much. He was willing to pay for my fees upfront and asked me to pay when I could, in his own words was payable when able. I once again refused because I just couldn't do it.

One day I guess I stepped over the line when I told him that he's pampering his family too much and even though his son was the same age as me he doesn't respect the father much and hasn't worked a single day of his life because daddy was always there to provide and support. I told him that even though his son was more daring to take up challenges but he would never appreciate the meaning of hard work and how much of hard work it takes just to earn a living to survive in this world. I guess as a father or parent to hear that from a stranger was a bit too much too handle.

From what I know this man has been helping people throughout his life and always was optimistic about life but seeing him like this just breaks my heart. The last thing I want for the poor man was to suffer like this and after all that he's been through and that he's done I'm so angry for the way he has ended up. With no chance to speak his mind and to leave some last few words. He's just lying there fighting just to make it through the night. I often sit and ask god if this is the ending for a kind hearted soul then what's the point ? What's the point of going out of your way to help the people around you when at the end of the day you end up like this ? I have often wondered about death and if there's life after death and when someone is in a coma are they like in a waiting lounge somewhere near heaven where it is decided if it's their time to join the angels or they are going to the fiery pits of hell or it's not their time yet and they are given a second chance to enjoy life again and miracously wake up even though doctors said there was no hope.

Now as I sit here seeing him just lying there helpless I can't help but feel angry. Here's his family members concerned and worried and crying for him but in my head all I could think about was the misery they put him through and how he practically worked himself to death to provide for the needs of his family. I just felt like slapping each one of them and tell them what they had done to him. From the strong willed person that he was to this weak person who currently is unconcscious but of course who am I to butt in like that and speak my piece of mind. I had come to see him and talk to him and thank him for believing in me and to tell him that I've started my masters and though it's not been an easy road I'm almost half way through and that would have made him happy and proud. I've told him about my 2007 and all that I've went through from being alone and sad to being a person who could face any challenge head on and being on top of the world to being a person who is almost on the verge of giving up.

Tomorrow would be the 4th day he's in the coma and all anyone can really do now is pray and hope.