Monday, January 28, 2008

The astrologer

It's been a really rough start to the new year and I guess with everything I was going through people around me could see and feel the difference. Gone was the cheerful person who used to grin from ear to ear for no apparent reason, the person who would suddenly just smile out of the blue, the person who radiated joy without even the words. Now all that's left is a gloomy confused person who is trying to take in all that's happening and all that has happened and dealing with thoughts that has been buried deep inside and left untouched for a reason.

My parents obviously saw the difference and without me knowing went to see a fortune reader/astrologer too see what my future holds. It's funny how sometimes you have this funny feeling in your gut that's something bad is about to happen but not too sure what it is or when it might happen or it might even just be gas causing the unsettling feeling.

With the recent incident of being in a hospital praying for the recovery of a friends dad and a few days later finding out another friends dad passed away got my brains working more than what it's suppose to. One day out of nowhere my parents asked me to go for dinner and I agreed but little did I know that they were already scheming something behind my back.

So they told me about their little trip to the astrologer at the temple and told me briefly about what he said. Apparently I've been going through a lot of hardship the past 3 years and was suffering in silence, keeping it all in but things have/are starting to get better for me and I just need a little patience. Yeah like I haven't been patient enough all this while.

What really got me startled is how the astrologer said things about me that hit a spot without even me being there. He said that I should learn to control my temper more and not keep everything bottled in as it just makes me feel worst. I should learn to be patient and not think that the whole world is against me especially when things don't go as I wanted it to or planned it to be. He said that I have a kind heart and often get mistreated as I easily trust people though not a 100% I still dare to put myself on the line time and time again to help people I care about and am often misunderstood by a lot people for the things I do even by the people I care the most.

He said that someone out there is keeping count of all the things I have done and one day surely I will get what I deserve and just because life has been dragging me through shit the past few years does not mean that I should change who I am and what I believe in and shut the world out so I can be selfish and mean and cold and not bother about anyone else other than myself. Being another asshole will not make me happier and instead just hurt me more cause I'm not being truthful to my ownself.

All this really hit a spot and it was difficult not to show that what my parents were saying was so true and I tried my best to keep quiet and not look them in the eyes and just stared at the plate in front of me keeping my head low hoping and praying the floodgates don't open.

He even mentioned that I should be careful the next few months cause I'm in for some more shit and something might happen to me if I'm not careful especially while driving and as my parents said this I could hear the fear and concern in my parents voice. This caused a trigger of thoughts and feelings that has been burried deep inside and forgotten for a reason.

Apart from that there's the normal love life thingy which apparently is also not so good because if I continue listening to my heart instead of my brain I will not have a happy life hahahahahah and my parents are starting to put the pressure and even used the "we don't have much longer to live and would like to finish our last duty as parents and get you married". This was the last straw and I practically lost my head as I want to be the one to decide my own path in life and would like to share my life with someone who I can grow old with, which I honestly thought was something that I manage to find but within a blink of an eye it was like waking up from a beautiful dream and everything that happened was just in my imagination and wasn't real but then I know it actually was real there's and in a little safe corner those memories are stored ready to be recalled when on of those rainy cloudy days seem too hard to handle and having those memories stored and recalled will always bring a smile to my face. I don't know what's their rush to get me hitched and I know they have good intentions but at this current moment in time it's something that's not even on my list of things to do.

I don't know the way or proper words to explain to my parents or even to people around me about it and the way I feel currently about letting someone else into my life, I wouldn't be a 100% committed and would still have feelings for some other person and to me it's like I'm cheating on my own self and on top of that hurting someone else in the process. Simply put my heart yearns and longs for someone that doesn't even know or bother about my existence anymore. Okay I'm starting to stray away from the initial reason of this post hahaha

They even said that I should stop using "no money" as an excuse and said they will pay for the wedding and if need be chip in to buy a new house so I can start thinking about my own future and starting off with a family of my own. Now personally I do not see it in the distant future and the hope and a dream that was once so vivid, a want to spend a lifetime with that one person is now faded and drained out of it's color and what is left is in such a blur that I can't even see myself in that picture anymore.

Financially it's suppose to be a good year for me and so far it's been not too bad. I've manage to gather some extra cash and even paid off my school fees so that takes off some stress. The plans I put in motion few months back are finally paying off and I've manage to reduce some of my bills and payments which gives me a little more space to breathe and though the main reason the plan was even set in motion was actually as a surprise and I was planning to go for a holiday at the end of the month in a beautiful place where little Frodo was reported to be last seen and I've often wanted to go but no solid reason to actually do it. I was presented with a chance to spend it with people that mattered and was really looking forward to it but I guess sometimes even the best thought plan has a chance of failing and blowing up in the face.

Other than that the night was finished in silence and my parents just asked me to think about it as ultimately the decision still lies in my hand and I too understand that as parents they just want the best for me. I just want to be sure of what I want and need first before I even think about the future and what my next step would be to achieve that future.