Sunday, June 03, 2007

the wonderboy

This post is about nothing but yet it's everything. Recently I found myself to be the amazing wonderboy. Why ? Because I just sit down and wonder hahahaha about life, friends, people, studies, parents, job, expectations, hope, dissapointment, anger, love basically anything and everything and anywhere that my mind takes me to.

Which has left me many sleepless nights. You know how sometimes you have a feeling deep down inside you heart that something bad is about to happen and you just can't put your finger on it. Well I'm having one of those moments. I've been extra cautious of my surroundings, the people I'm with, the things I say (well most of the time anyway), the things I do, the things I think I want to do, the things I think I should do which has left me in serious confused state of mind. One minute I could be laughing my head off and a thought comes across me mind and I'll go blank for a minute expressionless and then continue on laughing like a madman. It's kinda scary okay. .. hahahaha people might think I'm having some sort of nervous breakdown ...

So obviously I slept late once again last night which was around 6am or so and woke up at 8:30am to go for a full day class isn't that amazing hahahha I think the whole of this week I've had like 24 hours or sleep in total which equates to about 3-4 hours daily ... yes I'm back to my insomniac self .. hahhahah

I've been picturing myself at the bottom of a high diving platform lately. I feel the excitement as I grab the railings and begin my ascend. The higher I go the more the fear becomes apprent. There's apart of me that wants to just turn back and run for my life but the other part wants to feel the adrenaline rush, the excitement, the thrill of flying through the air but at the same time I'm worried about the fall. Do I continue going on knowing that I might just come crashing down as the higher I go the more I'm involved and the more it's harder to turn back. Do I keep looking ahead hope that everything will be fine and leave the rest to fate ? Am I ready for such a fall because I know if I continue on the way I am now, I will definately fall face flat once again and it's going to leave a nasty scar from which I've not fully recovered 100% from my first fall. What if this time it's different ? What if this time everything goes smoothly because this time I have my friends supporting me from below. Cheering me on, wanting to see me succeed ? Will that make a difference ? I'm sure they will be there to catch me if and when I fall but will I be ready to get up and walk again ? To once again try climbing the platform to go even higher than before and try once again ? I don't know the answer to that .....

Somehow I feel the heavy burden on my shoulders and I can't seem to get it off. I know I'm not suppose to feel this way and should not let things that is beyond my contol to bother me but it's so easy to fall into the trap of wondering. Well I think after last nights thinking session I finally have decided what I should do and hopefully will be able to follow through it. Enough of being mr nice guy, it's time to start taking care of the one person that matters the most which is myself *chants changeiam like a loonatic while meditating ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *

To my friends who are there when I need them please feel free to smack me around a bit when I start falling into my old habits because old habits die hard but I've realised that I need to change them and want to change them ... so permission to smack is given to all concerned parties ... :D


lilxcute said...

ayam always there to cheer you on and watch you succeed =)coz you're my sayangz!! *huggiez*
its definitely different ok! You're da man!!

bevE said...

we shall paint, and you won't have to fill the air with laughter or words. all you have to do is tell yourself everything you want onto canvas, and maybe emotions and thoughts you never thought of consciously will arise as well. it shall all be a blur of colours -

can you see it?

bevE said...

(from the beverly gila self again) sorry to burden you that day with my ranting.

putting that aside, I LOVE YOU ! I shall give you a biiiiiiiiig kiss on either cheek when i come back ! >< I shall do lots of things with you even if we only manage to meet for two hours on two different days within the two months i am back !

lilxcute said...

Lol aunty my kiss then?
How can my gf go round giving everyone kisses!!??!!
RAwr...owh well..nm she wants to be shared and I dun mind sharing her with my its OKAY!

Smack I shall not. Pokes I shall!

changeiam said...

Jan and beve
thanks a lot for trying to cheer me up but I guess the best way to solve a problem is to go against it head on and see what happens. If I keep running away from problems I will never be able to learn and experience things :D

hugs n kisses