My life or what's left of it
So here I am sitting in my bed wondering about my life and what have I accomplished so far. Actually ever since I was in the hospital I've been wondering about it and was contemplating if I should post about it but since no one really knows about the blog so what harm can it do.
It's been a question that's been nagging me for quite some time. I dare say I've got quite a good job with a decent pay and living a somewhat comfortable life but something seems to be missing from my life. It just doesn't feel right and I've been living day to day with this nagging feeling deep inside me. Somehow I feel like I've not been doing enough or whatever that I've been doing is not good enough. Well as far as work goes I have no issues and able to complete all the tasks in a timely manner but when it comes to my own life it's as though I have lost sight of what I want.
When I just started working which was about 7 years ago I felt the greed for money and worked hard to get to where I am today but now when I feel comfortable enough with what I'm earning I realised that I seem to have forgotten how I got here and what makes it worst is no one seems to be around me to enjoy with me the accomplishments that I have achieved so far. It's as though in my quest for glory I have neglected those who were once close to me and I guess that's one of the reason why I'm trying to get in touch again with my friends. To make up for lost time before I'm totally forgotten.
Recently I did manage to get in touch with them but while listening to their journey in life and to the places they have been and the people they have met, I started to feel slightly envious as to why my life seems so mundane and boring. Heck I also want to jump out of a plane at don't know how many thousand feet, I also want to go bungee jumping, I also want to go around the world and meet all type of different and interesting people but all I have done for so long is sit behind the desk doing my job. I feel that what I've been doing so far doesn't mean much and it's just something that everyone else is doing. I know I should not be comparing myself with other people and everyone will have to go through their own journey in life and everyone has a different path to follow with different lessons in life but if I myself am not satisfied with the life I have at the moment what can I do ? Can I change the path I'm on ? Can I just drop everything and go backpacking around the world ?
I used to think that money was the answer to everything. If only I had more money I would be happier. If only I had a new mp3 player I would be happier. If only I had a new phone I would be happier. Maybe a new car would be the answer to my emptyness. Happy I was when I bought things to keep me happy but it was superficial , after a while I was back to the way I was albeit slightly poorer. As I continue with the journey in my life I come to realise that being materialistic no more excites me as it used to. Now I also am not sure what I'm seeking for or what I need to make me feel whole again.
Maybe part of the empytyness is due to a recent breakup. Though many things has happened between us the thought of going on without her in my life never crossed my mind. We spent almost a decade together and now even though it's been a few months since we're apart I still feel the loneliness and sometimes long for her to be by my side. I have not mention about our break to others and only a handful of people know about it and I was asked why was that so. The only reason I could come up with was I was afraid of what others might think and I feel partially responsible for what has happened and ashamed with the outcome. So here I am mentioning that the mask I was putting on for everyone is fake and I'm actually hurting and depressed deep down inside and I'm still not 100% healed from the breakup. I know I'm suppose to get on with my life and forget about her but sometimes it's easier said than done.
Never have I felt so lonely in such a long time that I actually forgot how it feels like and now it's something I feel everyday and it scares the living daylights out of me. I'm afraid of one day lying in my deathbed all alone with no one around me wondering what I have done with my life and if I made any difference at all to the people around me and if anyone would remember me if and when I'm gone. I've been having weird dreams of myself dying and looking down on myself from above and wondering how my departure affects the people I'm close with. Wondering if they'll miss me when I'm gone or I'm just another passing moment in their life and I'm forgotten and life goes on the very next day ?
I feel confused, hurt, angry, sad, lonely, depressed, lost, empty and a whole other myriad of feelings that I can't even put into words. As I was typing I heard a song on my playlist and it totally is what I feel like doing now.
It's by Keith Urban - Tonight I wanna cry.
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
Theres pictures of you and I on the walls around me the way that it was and should have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away
Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.
Would it help if i turned a sad song on
"All by Myself" would sure hit me hard, now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way
Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.
oOOo
Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.
mmhmm mm
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