Friday, May 25, 2007

Me against the powers that be

Would you, knowing that someone reads what you write censor your thoughts and feelings as to not hurt the other persons feeling ? When I wanted to start a blog this were the thoughts that I had and when I began I told myself that this blog is a place for me to pour out my thoughts and feelings but yet I didn't want the whole world to read me like an open book. Such a predicament, deciding between what to post and what not to post, what to share and what not too share. I still am undecided and maybe somethings are just better left unsaid ? After all actions speaks louder than words.

I got so many things running through my mind. Some good, some bad. Plus with all that's going on in the office right not it just adds on to my already burdened shoulders and suddenly I feel the weight of the world resting on them.

It's been a rough week and it looks like it's getting worst. There's been some good news, some excellent company and many heartfelt moments and laughters but at the end of the day when the dust has settled I still find myself sitting alone wondering about my life and the people surrounding them.

Was having a conversation the other day and when I suddenly realised that I will be hitting the big three o. Never had a reason to think about it and it never even crossed my mind until recently that is. I look around me and see everyone else being happy, living life the way it's meant to be or at least it looks like they are.

I know I shouldn't be doing this but once again I'm starting to doubt myself and what I've done so far. I see my friends spending time with their wives, with their children and that alone is an acomplishment on its own and I turn around behind me to see nothingness. Not to say I'm not happy with my life is just that I feel like I've nothing to show for it ? Though I know it's not true but somehow I just feel it's not enough, that I could have done better, could have made use of the time that I've lost.

Is it normal to have such thoughts running around my head ? Last night I just sat down looking at life passing me by as I sipped my latte. It's as though everyone else is moving at lightning pace and I'm just sitting there watching life go by while I'm on pause mode. I see families going out for dinner, friends going out and having a good time, parents bringing their kids out and teaching them about the world, lovers arguing and then making up again, people by the street selling paper trying to earn a living, people just finishing their job at 10pm at night and then having to wake up early for the next day.

Everyone seems to have a purpose and a place to head to. Not having the time to sit and have a cup of coffee and yet here I am sitting down and watching it all go pass me. I try to push myself to join in but somehow the feeling is just not there. Is this what they call a burnout ?

I don't think I have that much stress in the office and sometimes I find myself too free and have time to do my own stuff but obviously when deadlines are near it's normal to go back at wee hours in the morning. Have I been running and chasing the pot at the end of the rainbow that I forgot that the rainbow itself is a beautiful thing that needs admiration ?

After all that hard work and dedication and sweat poured into work and now suddenly to be just tossed aside like a used piece of cloth is depressing. I never thought I could have such attachments to a job but then again I don't think it's the job itself but the people surrounding me. In a company with 70 people or so and yet the ability for everyone in a different department to come together and have fun to me is an amazing thing. Even the management is awesome and you don't feel that you're talking to a superior and that makes it even more depressing. One of the reason I stayed here for this long was because of this and now that it's been ripped apart I feel a piece of me is also being ripped.

Weird I always thought a job is a job and I would always find a better job but I never realised that I'm so attached to the working environment that even with the let downs I still picked myself up and continue with my head held high but this is the last straw. It's good that by the time everything finalises it will be end of the year so I can start looking for another job beginning next year. So much for being a loyal and hardworking employee bleahhhhhhhh


cynthia said...

yes yes - its absolutely normal. I age prematurely therefor i can identify those emotions!

changeiam said...

cyn even though it's normal but somehow doesn't feel normal also .. sigh .. now I know how you felt. Sorry for not really understanding before this *huggiesssss*